(no subject)
Jun. 18th, 2003 04:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zana16There are many things I will miss about Paris. But as you will be hearing them ad nauseum as I prepare to leave in a month, I will relate the thing that I most definitely will NOT miss: The sketchy men who hit on anything that moves.
Eeeewww.
Really, I can forgive a lot of things. But every one who comes up to me while I'm waiting for a bus and sits just a little too close.... I probably wouldn't even notice. Except they SMELL.
And if you make the mistake of making eye contact, they won't go away. No matter what. Unless you yell at them. Which I am fundamentally incapable of doing to any human being, least of all a stranger.
I can't help it; it is another fundamental concept with me that to ignore somebody's existance when they address you is one of the rudest and psychologically violent things a human being can do to another. So I instinctively at least nod in response if someone says "Bonjour." And no matter how uninterested I come off, no matter HOW MANY TIMES I SAY NO when they press me to "get to know them; let's go to a cafe", they WON'T GO AWAY. Last night I had a guy actually get on a bus with me (after I refused to go get drinks with him, to which his reply was "are you racist?", which I pretended not to understand; I wouldn't even have noticed that his skin was a little darker if he hadn't pointed it out--I've lived most of my life just north of the Mexican border and living in Paris is weird cause most people are lighter than I'm used to), then get off at my stop despite the fact that I pointed continued writing the story I was working on and made sure to sit in a seat that was NOT next to his, and walk me home, all the while saying "Don't you want friends? What's the matter?" I finally made up some bullshit about how my boyfriend was waiting and he'd be jealous. But honestly. Even before the bus came, I had blatantly ogled the nearest available gorgeous woman (it's France; there's a lot of them) to try to give him a hint. I look rather butch, I guess; any woman my height and size does. But no, the blatant ogling of the gorgeous woman did not work. And of course I feel ashamed about it, as I try not to objectify women like that. Only once have I actual been distracted by a woman's body enough to stare; it was last summer, Erin was wearing a see-through shirt, and I felt like a dirty old man. Not to mention that not only her boyfriend but also her girlfriend were there. I still feel guilty about it to this day.
So. Sketchy guys that won't go away. Who give you their phonenumbers even when you say you won't call them, then act all hurt when you're getting on the bus and they ask again and you say no. All of these will be gone when I return to the U.S. of A. where our politics may be fucked up beyond belief but at least a guy will get a hint.
Although, to counter that: Reid Hall has been invaded by a bunch of Americans on their summer programs here. They smile at me. This completely weirds me out. The French do not smile at strangers. For any reason. Unless they're interested in a date. I have managed to completely lose the habit, and I'll have to relearn when I return to the States. For some reason, this annoys the hell out of me.
Eeeewww.
Really, I can forgive a lot of things. But every one who comes up to me while I'm waiting for a bus and sits just a little too close.... I probably wouldn't even notice. Except they SMELL.
And if you make the mistake of making eye contact, they won't go away. No matter what. Unless you yell at them. Which I am fundamentally incapable of doing to any human being, least of all a stranger.
I can't help it; it is another fundamental concept with me that to ignore somebody's existance when they address you is one of the rudest and psychologically violent things a human being can do to another. So I instinctively at least nod in response if someone says "Bonjour." And no matter how uninterested I come off, no matter HOW MANY TIMES I SAY NO when they press me to "get to know them; let's go to a cafe", they WON'T GO AWAY. Last night I had a guy actually get on a bus with me (after I refused to go get drinks with him, to which his reply was "are you racist?", which I pretended not to understand; I wouldn't even have noticed that his skin was a little darker if he hadn't pointed it out--I've lived most of my life just north of the Mexican border and living in Paris is weird cause most people are lighter than I'm used to), then get off at my stop despite the fact that I pointed continued writing the story I was working on and made sure to sit in a seat that was NOT next to his, and walk me home, all the while saying "Don't you want friends? What's the matter?" I finally made up some bullshit about how my boyfriend was waiting and he'd be jealous. But honestly. Even before the bus came, I had blatantly ogled the nearest available gorgeous woman (it's France; there's a lot of them) to try to give him a hint. I look rather butch, I guess; any woman my height and size does. But no, the blatant ogling of the gorgeous woman did not work. And of course I feel ashamed about it, as I try not to objectify women like that. Only once have I actual been distracted by a woman's body enough to stare; it was last summer, Erin was wearing a see-through shirt, and I felt like a dirty old man. Not to mention that not only her boyfriend but also her girlfriend were there. I still feel guilty about it to this day.
So. Sketchy guys that won't go away. Who give you their phonenumbers even when you say you won't call them, then act all hurt when you're getting on the bus and they ask again and you say no. All of these will be gone when I return to the U.S. of A. where our politics may be fucked up beyond belief but at least a guy will get a hint.
Although, to counter that: Reid Hall has been invaded by a bunch of Americans on their summer programs here. They smile at me. This completely weirds me out. The French do not smile at strangers. For any reason. Unless they're interested in a date. I have managed to completely lose the habit, and I'll have to relearn when I return to the States. For some reason, this annoys the hell out of me.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2003-06-18 10:28 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-06-18 12:21 pm (UTC)I debated actually writing that, but I didn't think you read my journal. Excuse me while I go knock my head steadily against the wall in humiliation.
But, eh. I felt guilty, at least. Still do. And I apologize most profusely. And hope to death that you didn't read my journal while I was going through my last sexual identity crisis. I was mostly straight but still found you (and only you, as well as a few celebrities) to be much more attractive than any men in my life.
I'm not stalking you, I promise! Besides I'm across the ocean from you, so. I can guarantee that I will turn a brilliant scarlet the next time I see you, and probably try to hide behind whoever is available.
Maybe you can tell, I don't handle crushes very well.
So, I don't know whether to apologize or tell you that ever since I met you I've wanted to paint you. I guess I'll do both.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-06-18 02:27 pm (UTC)Okay, I'm gonna dig my hole deeper....
Date: 2003-06-19 03:45 am (UTC)Your mother? Has she seen it on you?
And I'm sure there have been others. You're beautiful and intelligent. And I have just committed the ultimate cliché.
I apologized cause at various times I felt that it was wrong to be attracted to you simply because you are lovely. Then I realized that I wouldn't have noticed you in the first place if I hadn't been impressed with your debates in the classes we had together, so I didn't feel so guilty. But that one day it was definitely just "Erin is so incredibly gorgeous that I must leave now before I start drooling." You can ask Katie Servos; I went into major guilt-mode as soon as I left.
So, yeah. You are beautiful and intelligent and I assumed you knew that, but if you didn't, well you are. And I admire you. I am not pining after you in any obsessive fashion, you've just always been the mild-crush-that-never-goes-away and that is the reason I avoid you. I can be painfully shy.
And I feel very much like I'm in 7th grade again. But at least now I'm able to laugh at myself. :)