The complete and utter lameness of being.

[zana16]

I'm at that stage where I'm depressed and I hate myself. Why do I purposely sabotage myself? Why? I'm too old to be seeing if my father will still love me if my GPA drops below a 3.3 and besides, I know the answer. Even bingeing isn't helping. The world is fucked up and so am I. I went to a fucking women's college to be able to grow in a safe environment and realize that not all males were going to rape me just because they happened to be possessed of a dick. And fuck it, I'm tired of the women and I'm still not comfortable around guys and sure I'm not as depressed as I was but what do I have to show for it? All I've gained is 80 pounds too many and a screenplay that I can't face writing anymore because I haven't worked out my own feelings about a character's death so how can I write the other characters' feelings? And a fucking awful novel I wrote in 8th grade, a broken heart over a guy I never really knew, a second fucking awful novel I wrote in 9th that I want to delete because I am so ashamed but it is ME and I can't. I've gotten past the shame and the grieving and I'm into the ANGER and I don't know how to handle this. I NEVER let myself be angry, never. I'm always the peacemaker, I always got between my dad and my brother, I love my dad but I can't get the image out of my head of the day he broke and started hitting and he never did it again but trying to scream at my father when I don't let myself be angry is fucking impossible. I have all this potential and nothing realised. My life is pretty much online and in books and I won't know ANYONE in my dorm next year. I want to scream at my brother for wrecking my life, I want to scream at my stepmother for not even trying after Rachel died, I want to scream at my dad for not being able to control his temper, and I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE ANGRY. It feels wrong. It feels like losing control and fuck, I can't even do that with perfect strangers. Random guys I fucked cause I thought maybe if I never saw them again I'd be able to let go, lose control... Sarah couldn't understand why I didn't like her to touch more than just my breasts during sex, I made up excuses, I made up rapes cause I knew it would hurt her that I can't trust anybody enough to lose control. So happy the day after I first hooked up with Patrick cause for once I had FELT something, not this icy shell; then my brother has to go and fuck up so badly that it was worse for our family than Rachel's murder was. I can't be angry, I can't lose control, my entire life and self is based on holding myself in check and FUCK it hurts so much sometimes but I can be calm calm calm it's okay and they say I'm the peacemaker like my mother and I didn't even KNOW my mother and Paul says someday I'll have to get good and angry at her for leaving us, for dying, and the stupid shrinks say I have abandonment issues and of COURSE I fucking do, I knew that, the only way I get up in the morning is a pill and the only way to make it through the day is another pill and it takes more for me to leave the house each morning than it takes for most people to look down the barrel of a gun and still I am weak, he isn't happy, I cannot love, and I can't let myself be angry even if it's killing me.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Why can't people just let me be in my dream world?