12 days without a voice
Dec. 29th, 2011 09:17 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zana16I lost my voice on the 18th. Except for one terrifying moment when I screamed (well, tried to -- it came out a croak) at my uncle that there was a car heading right for him, I've not talked since then.
At about the third time somebody mentioned holy men* and vows of silence, I made my own vow: to strangle the next person who mentioned such nonsense. I mean, yes, this was my family saying such things, and yes, they know I had plans to become a Buddhist nun, but that was at least three years ago and have they not noticed how I am no longer a Buddhist? And definitely not a nun?
But I realized around day five that it is impossible for this to not be a spiritual experience. Or at least a profound psychological experience. When you remove effective communication from your toolbox, the world operates in a fundamentally different way.
And a lot of the conversations I was trying to have -- about Lyme, about my job, about joining my Quaker Meeting, about the people I am dating, about DC, about life goals, about memories of my mother and grief and death and processing and love -- not really the sort of thing you can do effectively via notebook.
Not to mention the part with the fever and the no energy. And my disappointment at not being able to sing when we went caroling.
I went down to the shore on the 26th and stood out on a rocky ledge where the breakers would only just miss me, and raged at the universe for a bit. This has been so frustrating, and I'm still trying to figure out the thing I need to do to make it right. My psyche has not been subtle about the messages surrounding this, and it's a lot of stuff to unpack and deal with.
---
*It's always holy men who do this -- not sure why, but it is.
At about the third time somebody mentioned holy men* and vows of silence, I made my own vow: to strangle the next person who mentioned such nonsense. I mean, yes, this was my family saying such things, and yes, they know I had plans to become a Buddhist nun, but that was at least three years ago and have they not noticed how I am no longer a Buddhist? And definitely not a nun?
But I realized around day five that it is impossible for this to not be a spiritual experience. Or at least a profound psychological experience. When you remove effective communication from your toolbox, the world operates in a fundamentally different way.
And a lot of the conversations I was trying to have -- about Lyme, about my job, about joining my Quaker Meeting, about the people I am dating, about DC, about life goals, about memories of my mother and grief and death and processing and love -- not really the sort of thing you can do effectively via notebook.
Not to mention the part with the fever and the no energy. And my disappointment at not being able to sing when we went caroling.
I went down to the shore on the 26th and stood out on a rocky ledge where the breakers would only just miss me, and raged at the universe for a bit. This has been so frustrating, and I'm still trying to figure out the thing I need to do to make it right. My psyche has not been subtle about the messages surrounding this, and it's a lot of stuff to unpack and deal with.
---
*It's always holy men who do this -- not sure why, but it is.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-12-30 05:23 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-12-30 05:45 pm (UTC)But at least the fever is finally gone! I'm actually feeling a lot better. Just, no voice!
(no subject)
Date: 2011-12-31 03:12 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-12-31 10:38 pm (UTC)