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May. 25th, 2003 04:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zana16Latest family crisis.
From: Janaki Spickard-Keeler
To : spickard@mcguire-spickard.com
Subject : This is a long one
Message :
Dear Daddy,
I just talked to Dmitri last night. I don't know (and he doesn't know) if you know that he isn't going to graduate.
So we're both expecting you to hit the roof. Which is perfectly okay, just a few guidelines:
1) This does not mean you're a failure as a father. Get over it.
2) You do not get to do anything stupid like deciding to come back from Australia early to yell at him.
3) I am more concerned with what's next. It's your job to be mad at him; it's my job to be the supportive sister.
I told him that what's going to happen next is the following: he has to deal with it. With ALL of it. With figuring out whether he can get his diploma by the end of the summer; with seeing how that affects going to Hendrix; with what he's going to do if he can't go to Hendrix. HE has to take the responsibility to fix what he fucked up. I know you're not comfortable with this plan, and that you want to rescue him, and I do too. But we can't. He's scared of the future, of course, and is just realizing that he just made the future a lot more uncertain. He's clear on the fact that he can't live at home. I've told him he can live under my bed as long as he has a fulltime job and is working towards getting an education; Paul made a similar offer when he visited. So there are backup options.
I think he needs to learn to do things for himself before he'll be ready to do anything with an education. You can't spend the rest of your life laying out his options and doing all the detail-work. He is years away from being responsible enough and self-motivated enough to be the engineer he wants to be. I know you want an intellectual life and job security for him but he has to do that himself. He has to WANT that himself.
The school hasn't decided yet what to do about the diploma situation. I've told Dmitri that once they've decided, he is going to be completely responsible for 1) seeing how this affects his summer and arranging his plans accordingly, and 2) seeing how this affects Hendrix and making plans accordingly. Maybe sink or swim will at least plant the message in his brain that you can't rescue him, even if he does end up sleeping under my bed.
If you don't like this plan, that is your perogative. You're the parent. And you will get to deal with the message that sends him if you rescue him yet AGAIN. I realize that this was not my choice to make, but it is the best way I can see in the long run to help him grow up.
So, to sum up: You want your children to have stable, happy, and intellectual lives. Well, real life is different. I am much more the image of what your ideal is than Dmitri, yes. But you also know better than to compare the two of us. I refuse to be the standard you hold him to. He's a different person and it's looking like he'll have a different path, and even if he doesn't have job security in the long run it doesn't mean he'll have a horrible life. Not graduating on June 6th does not mean he is doomed to work at McDonald's forever. Yes, you have your fears for him, and they are realistic fears. But he's the one who has to start making the choices.
So you're allowed to be furious and yell and chew him out, but then we have to go somewhere from there. You know better than to shoot the messanger, but as an older sister I am a bit protective of my baby brother and yes, I am trying to get you to deflect some of the anger onto me. Because hearing your brother reply, "I AM a failure" when you tell him that sure he fucked up but it isn't the end of the world is not something I want him to believe.
Therefore, I have my own anger about this situation and it's counterproductive for me to take it out on him because I'm the safe one for him. I don't want to take it out on you, either, but it's probably going to happen that way, because it's anger at both of you. I'm telling you this so that you realize why I'm going to be defensive and angry, as I have been in this letter. As for your fear that you have been a horrible father and let your children down, I put forth that it is a matter of trust for me to be able to take my anger to you, because I know that it will be painful for both of us but that you can deal with it well.
I also told Dmitri that if he comes up with a plan for the summer and needs me to come home early, I will, but that I'll chew him out about it.
As it is, I'm planning on coming home towards the end of July and leaving between August 28th and September 2nd. I'd like to be on campus a few days early and I will pay the fees myself.
I tried to call you last night but the number doesn't seem to be working.
I am tired. And worried. And pissed that I have to play a parent role for my brother, but also quite aware that I have limits and when they're reached, I'll pull out. I can't save him from himself, and I'm not going to try. I don't want him to switch from being dependent on you to being dependent on me. I'm making the choice to take on part of this responsibility even though it's not mine, and if I start to resent it then I know it won't be healthy to continue to bear the part of the responsibility that I chose. So, as my father, you have the doubtful pleasure of letting me take this part, and of supporting me through it. I am terrified that I'll fuck up. I'm also just as stubborn as some other Spickards I know, so I am determined. I'll need your help.
Voila. This, as best I can see, is the course the next few months will take for your role as father.
It's Mother's Day here. So happy Mother's Day to the both of you. I am exhausted.
I do love you and you still are a good parent. I'm just angry and Dmitri just fucked up. Life will go on. We'll deal. We have before.
Love, Janaki
Went to see the Matrix Reloaded last night. It was... interesting. I liked parts and I didn't like parts. I was supposed to meet Leslie at the theater for the 9:30 showing. She didn't show up, so I waited until 9:43 before buying a ticket for the 9:45 showing. Went, sat in the back but kept an eye on the door. She didn't show up. Went home. At one in the morning, after having called my brother and learning about the latest bombshell, she calls me. She arrived at 9:46, got a ticket to the 9:45 showing, and sat in the front. So we went to the same movie in the same theatre--and never saw each other. Quite bizarre.
From: Janaki Spickard-Keeler
To : spickard@mcguire-spickard.com
Subject : This is a long one
Message :
Dear Daddy,
I just talked to Dmitri last night. I don't know (and he doesn't know) if you know that he isn't going to graduate.
So we're both expecting you to hit the roof. Which is perfectly okay, just a few guidelines:
1) This does not mean you're a failure as a father. Get over it.
2) You do not get to do anything stupid like deciding to come back from Australia early to yell at him.
3) I am more concerned with what's next. It's your job to be mad at him; it's my job to be the supportive sister.
I told him that what's going to happen next is the following: he has to deal with it. With ALL of it. With figuring out whether he can get his diploma by the end of the summer; with seeing how that affects going to Hendrix; with what he's going to do if he can't go to Hendrix. HE has to take the responsibility to fix what he fucked up. I know you're not comfortable with this plan, and that you want to rescue him, and I do too. But we can't. He's scared of the future, of course, and is just realizing that he just made the future a lot more uncertain. He's clear on the fact that he can't live at home. I've told him he can live under my bed as long as he has a fulltime job and is working towards getting an education; Paul made a similar offer when he visited. So there are backup options.
I think he needs to learn to do things for himself before he'll be ready to do anything with an education. You can't spend the rest of your life laying out his options and doing all the detail-work. He is years away from being responsible enough and self-motivated enough to be the engineer he wants to be. I know you want an intellectual life and job security for him but he has to do that himself. He has to WANT that himself.
The school hasn't decided yet what to do about the diploma situation. I've told Dmitri that once they've decided, he is going to be completely responsible for 1) seeing how this affects his summer and arranging his plans accordingly, and 2) seeing how this affects Hendrix and making plans accordingly. Maybe sink or swim will at least plant the message in his brain that you can't rescue him, even if he does end up sleeping under my bed.
If you don't like this plan, that is your perogative. You're the parent. And you will get to deal with the message that sends him if you rescue him yet AGAIN. I realize that this was not my choice to make, but it is the best way I can see in the long run to help him grow up.
So, to sum up: You want your children to have stable, happy, and intellectual lives. Well, real life is different. I am much more the image of what your ideal is than Dmitri, yes. But you also know better than to compare the two of us. I refuse to be the standard you hold him to. He's a different person and it's looking like he'll have a different path, and even if he doesn't have job security in the long run it doesn't mean he'll have a horrible life. Not graduating on June 6th does not mean he is doomed to work at McDonald's forever. Yes, you have your fears for him, and they are realistic fears. But he's the one who has to start making the choices.
So you're allowed to be furious and yell and chew him out, but then we have to go somewhere from there. You know better than to shoot the messanger, but as an older sister I am a bit protective of my baby brother and yes, I am trying to get you to deflect some of the anger onto me. Because hearing your brother reply, "I AM a failure" when you tell him that sure he fucked up but it isn't the end of the world is not something I want him to believe.
Therefore, I have my own anger about this situation and it's counterproductive for me to take it out on him because I'm the safe one for him. I don't want to take it out on you, either, but it's probably going to happen that way, because it's anger at both of you. I'm telling you this so that you realize why I'm going to be defensive and angry, as I have been in this letter. As for your fear that you have been a horrible father and let your children down, I put forth that it is a matter of trust for me to be able to take my anger to you, because I know that it will be painful for both of us but that you can deal with it well.
I also told Dmitri that if he comes up with a plan for the summer and needs me to come home early, I will, but that I'll chew him out about it.
As it is, I'm planning on coming home towards the end of July and leaving between August 28th and September 2nd. I'd like to be on campus a few days early and I will pay the fees myself.
I tried to call you last night but the number doesn't seem to be working.
I am tired. And worried. And pissed that I have to play a parent role for my brother, but also quite aware that I have limits and when they're reached, I'll pull out. I can't save him from himself, and I'm not going to try. I don't want him to switch from being dependent on you to being dependent on me. I'm making the choice to take on part of this responsibility even though it's not mine, and if I start to resent it then I know it won't be healthy to continue to bear the part of the responsibility that I chose. So, as my father, you have the doubtful pleasure of letting me take this part, and of supporting me through it. I am terrified that I'll fuck up. I'm also just as stubborn as some other Spickards I know, so I am determined. I'll need your help.
Voila. This, as best I can see, is the course the next few months will take for your role as father.
It's Mother's Day here. So happy Mother's Day to the both of you. I am exhausted.
I do love you and you still are a good parent. I'm just angry and Dmitri just fucked up. Life will go on. We'll deal. We have before.
Love, Janaki
Went to see the Matrix Reloaded last night. It was... interesting. I liked parts and I didn't like parts. I was supposed to meet Leslie at the theater for the 9:30 showing. She didn't show up, so I waited until 9:43 before buying a ticket for the 9:45 showing. Went, sat in the back but kept an eye on the door. She didn't show up. Went home. At one in the morning, after having called my brother and learning about the latest bombshell, she calls me. She arrived at 9:46, got a ticket to the 9:45 showing, and sat in the front. So we went to the same movie in the same theatre--and never saw each other. Quite bizarre.
