in which Zana whines that Buddhism is HARD

[zana16]

Spiritual paths seem to be difficult for me this week. Even going for refuge is a chore. On Tuesday, I walked into class and ran smack into my self-cherishing mind. I'd forgotten it was Offering to the Spiritual Guide that night, and I was asked to make tea, and really I should not be so upset about being asked to make tea. But I was, for reasons I should probably not rehash, even in my own mind.

Wednesday night, I arrived early at the Center to set up the altar, and found that the instructions for offerings had been removed. Sorry, deities, that I fucked up your offerings. And that I had a mind of something that was distinctly not bodhichitta while muddling through. Also that I spilled the alcohol offering all over. And that I was busy composing a pissed-off email to the person responsible for removing the instructions instead of concentrating on virtue. ...I am so missing the point, aren't I? I'm stuck in ordinary mind, and I made the mistake of asking my teacher how to get past the fact that I like the idea of enlightenment but have no faith that I'll actually get there. Lesson: don't ask for advice unless you actually want to hear the answer!

And I committed to a ceremony this weekend, totally not knowing that it is a four hour ceremony, and a Dorje Shugdan ceremony at that, and I've been avoiding him because of the controversy which I don't know what to think, I feel like people who are supposed to be wise should really get their act together over this crap, they are leaders and it is disturbing my mind immensely. It's hard enough for me to believe anything, and an added level of complexity when the experts are squabbling about it!

Then I found out that there's bridge this weekend, during the hours I will be at the ceremony, and I haven't played in months and SELF-CHERISHING MIND ME ME ME ME MEMEMEMEMEMEME!!!! Gahhh!

After class Wednesday night (class itself was actually lovely, and I had a nice talk with a woman who was new, and the meditation was great), I ran into a man I'd seen both at Friends Meeting of Washington and at the Buddhist Center, and we talked a bit. He said he wasn't comfortable with the religious aspect of Buddhism. I'm not sure whether I said the right thing to him, but I went with my gut. I said I have a lot of trouble with the faith part of my tradition as well, but that I've gotten so much out of it that it's worth the hard work for me. But that if he's interested in Buddhist philosophy without the religious stuff, there are other groups in the area that do that. And then I assured him that FMW Quakers are never, ever going to tell him what to believe in, even if you really want them to (which I did at one point when I was feeling lost, and they didn't, and that's one of the reasons I got involved in Buddhism).

For the record: I am sooooo relieved that I decided definitively not to become ordained as a Buddhist nun. As a nun, I would have given up most of my worldly security, and have only my faith to fall back on. And since faith is a bit of a challenge for me, pretty much I'd have nothing to fall back on at times like these.

I'm pretty sure that as I progress in Buddhism, the discordia between that and Quakerism is going to start making itself known. I was in Meeting two weeks ago and the messages were so spot-on, so exactly what I needed, that I couldn't put it down to coincidence. The Young Adult Friends group is planning a trip to Israel and Palestine for next summer, and I want to go. ...When you don't commit to one spiritual path, it is hard to go far in any of the ones you dabble in. I'm mostly committed to two, but I don't have enough spiritual energy to get as far as I would in either as I would if I were only going after one goal. But I can't give either of them up, and there are other paths that still interest me. Perhaps this is why we have many lifetimes, to be able to pursue all these paths. Though the chances of being human in the next lifetime are vanishingly small... according to one of my world-views.

On the plus side this week, I wrote something that I actually like. (On the minus side, now I have to rewrite it.)

Comments

[imaginarycircus.livejournal.com]

I didn't have to meditate with Satan this week, though David claims he ate a Satan sandwich today. (Actually he just doesn't know how to spell seitan.)

Do you think maybe you're holding yourself to a standard that is unreasonable? That's one of the reasons I love Aristotle because his philosophy allows for human error and plain old bad luck. His ethics is not about attaining perfect virtue, it's about trying to do the right thing at the right time in the right place, but not quite hitting the mark. It's a life long process of learning and making mistakes and learning from them and from other people. We're always becoming virtous--we are never actually virtuous.

[zana16.livejournal.com]

Was it a good Satan sandwich?

I do have ridiculously high standards for myself, but weeks like this one when I undershoot even "coasting by," which is my median level of spiritual functioning, I get pretty discouraged. And then I post long analyses of every little thing that contributed. :)

It's a life long process of learning and making mistakes and learning from them and from other people. We're always becoming virtous--we are never actually virtuous.

I think those are very true words. Someday I will even believe them! I know my ridiculous perfectionism is another offshoot of self-cherishing, but then I get stuck in a cycle of beating myself up for self-cherishing which is a self-cherishing thing in and of itself, and really it makes me weary even thinking about it!

[imaginarycircus.livejournal.com]

He said Satan is delicious. He walked three blocks for it.

Maybe you need to have more fun with your Buddhism? The Lama told us to watch our thoughts like a shepherd watches sheep because she told us a story about Milarepa teaching a shepherd to meditate. So I turned all my thoughts into sheep and sent them to graze. It was funny and it worked rather well. :D

[zana16.livejournal.com]

That does sound fun!

I'm pretty easily discouraged, I'll be the first to admit. Maybe building some whimsy in will make it easier going.

[imaginarycircus.livejournal.com]

Yeah, the Buddha always looks like he's amused. :D

[melodyclark.livejournal.com]

There is no God but Eris. :)

Life is hard enough. I admire you for trying Buddhism but I'm way too weak to even imagine the mental effort involved.

[zana16.livejournal.com]

There's the mental effort (which I'm not great at), but also just the sheer amount of time I put into it... I cannot believe I'm dedicating four hours to a deity I don't have any interest in! Trust me, this will be the last time I say "yes" without asking details first...