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May. 4th, 2003 02:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zana16All my friends are growing up and I am too. As I have a huge fear of being an adult, this is scary for me. "Adult" means taxes and paying rent and being too sensible to get stoned or drunk for the hell of it.
Which, looking at that definition, I am an adult. Watch me run screaming in horror.
Spring should make me happy. It's sunny, it's beautiful.... and for me, it's an ending. I grieve for a little child I once was, who most days it seems she must have died and I lived on, carrying her shell.
We went to Chartres yesterday. It was beautiful and thus depressing for me, in my state of mind. I've taken to hanging out with people not because I enjoy it, but because I'm not so sad when my mind is otherwise occupied, and literature isn't filling that function at the moment. Bloody dark obscene French literature. There's a reason most of today's famous authors are American, and it's not just that we're an evil empire and in control of the book market.
Harry Potter fandom is so extensive it's most depressing to me than anything. To have to pick through the muck and the smut for the rough diamonds I know are there.... Yet most of what I've learned about the type of literature I want to write has been through fandoms and fanfic. Maybe it's that nobody's told these authors they had to make the story sell.
Which, if this is the case, I be screwed.
Another scholarship fell through, taking with it my summer plans. Anyone know of an internship I could do this summer? Fuck Smith, fuck Carol Christ, fuck Don Andrew. Things are bad when it's M. Bloom who I'm depending on to have a place to stay this summer.
Smith has gotten rid of need-based financial aid. There wasn't a memo. I can't imagine why not. I'm left, having hocked my life savings, with good memories and good friends, an education, a crappy job market, and nobody wanting to pay a living wage for a smart, organized, dedicated worker who is already overqualified for the jobs she's getting turned down for. The Democrats are wimps and the Republicans are evil. I love my country but I am so ashamed of it. There's little I can handle worse than being powerless. I was writing a book about how capitalism rapes the soul and forces us all to pervert our art, but then I realized I'd have to sell it for anyone to get the message.
Damn being moral. Now have to boycott Payday candy and probably Hershey's as well; Ford; Pillsbury; and continue to boycott Nike. Honestly, one of these days I'm just gonna have to get a whole bunch of people to settle a commune on me and Michiko's Floating Fortress so we can have a just and equitable standard of living without exploiting anyone. Did I mention I just went to see Michael Moore's "The Big One"?
I'll come out of this funk tomorrow, I promise.
Which, looking at that definition, I am an adult. Watch me run screaming in horror.
Spring should make me happy. It's sunny, it's beautiful.... and for me, it's an ending. I grieve for a little child I once was, who most days it seems she must have died and I lived on, carrying her shell.
We went to Chartres yesterday. It was beautiful and thus depressing for me, in my state of mind. I've taken to hanging out with people not because I enjoy it, but because I'm not so sad when my mind is otherwise occupied, and literature isn't filling that function at the moment. Bloody dark obscene French literature. There's a reason most of today's famous authors are American, and it's not just that we're an evil empire and in control of the book market.
Harry Potter fandom is so extensive it's most depressing to me than anything. To have to pick through the muck and the smut for the rough diamonds I know are there.... Yet most of what I've learned about the type of literature I want to write has been through fandoms and fanfic. Maybe it's that nobody's told these authors they had to make the story sell.
Which, if this is the case, I be screwed.
Another scholarship fell through, taking with it my summer plans. Anyone know of an internship I could do this summer? Fuck Smith, fuck Carol Christ, fuck Don Andrew. Things are bad when it's M. Bloom who I'm depending on to have a place to stay this summer.
Smith has gotten rid of need-based financial aid. There wasn't a memo. I can't imagine why not. I'm left, having hocked my life savings, with good memories and good friends, an education, a crappy job market, and nobody wanting to pay a living wage for a smart, organized, dedicated worker who is already overqualified for the jobs she's getting turned down for. The Democrats are wimps and the Republicans are evil. I love my country but I am so ashamed of it. There's little I can handle worse than being powerless. I was writing a book about how capitalism rapes the soul and forces us all to pervert our art, but then I realized I'd have to sell it for anyone to get the message.
Damn being moral. Now have to boycott Payday candy and probably Hershey's as well; Ford; Pillsbury; and continue to boycott Nike. Honestly, one of these days I'm just gonna have to get a whole bunch of people to settle a commune on me and Michiko's Floating Fortress so we can have a just and equitable standard of living without exploiting anyone. Did I mention I just went to see Michael Moore's "The Big One"?
I'll come out of this funk tomorrow, I promise.
