Hell in a handbasket....

[zana16]

I have the fanfic planned out. I can't believe I'm doing this. I always promised myself I could read but that I wouldn't get sucked into writing fanfic.

Discovered some of Criss Moody's fic online. Wish I could get ahold of her, ask her what's happened in the last few years after that disastrous summer, but I kinda also don't wish. Conflicted Zana.

Have discovered my inner violence once again. Really really want to punch somebody over and over and over. It is almost comforting, in that this way I can be sure that I'm human with human reactions, and not dead inside. For a long time, I thought maybe there was something wrong with me, since I can't love in a normal proportion. I dealt with the darkness of my inner violence shortly after I realized how instinctively I wanted to drive a knife into the belly of the monster who killed Rachel. This from the woman who gives speeches against the death penalty. This from the pacifist. I've decided to take it as fortunate that I can overcome this instinct to violence, since that means it's not just those who are dead inside who can preach peace. I can let my rational self talk down my emotional self and win, cause now I know that my emotional self is not dead, only hurt and in retreat. Maybe I am waking up to the world for the first time since that day in October when that bastard shattered my life. Wooden boxes of ashes.... It felt like my heart turned to ash as well that day. I couldn't cry for Rachel, like I couldn't cry for my mother at first. I cried for my mother when I saw Rachel's ashes, it was years. I'm still not sure if I can cry for Rachel. The sister I never had. The family that never recovered. I can cry for myself, for the consequences, but Rachel is an enigma. I see my stepmother with her heart torn out, see how she's gone just a bit nuts in the years since, and it sucks that I can't blame her for tearing apart our family even more. I have lost a mother and a stepmother, one to death and the other to the results of her daughter's death. I feel so selfish that I can only cry for me. Baby brother is fucking up his life yet again and I can't do anything. Cousin is back to using and I can't do anything. Living is supposed to be glorious and wonderful, why can I only feel the pain? Gardens lie soft on my soul, flowers are the only things I can enjoy. Uncomplicated. I need wide open spaces and mountains and freedom. I need loving. I need laughter and light and music and I haven't found any of that in all the places I've travelled. Travelling is wonderful, but it doesn't fulfill the ache inside. I don't know what will.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Come live with me, you'll find love and flowers. In a few years I'll be living in Santa Cruz and you'll have a back porch with a view of both the ocean and the mountains. It's one of the less druggy places in California, so your cousin can come dry out with us. And I don't know what your brother needs, but he's welcome there too. As long as he isn't allergic to fuzzy animals. Because I'm getting a small zoo. As soon as mad scientists make them, with a miniature elephant too. Until then, keep reminding me that I have a charmed life. I hate Chicago. I hate not being married yet. I hate being a girl with monthly homone rushes making me act insane and cry in front of my wonderful boyfriend when I know there's nothing he can do to make me feel better for four years. At least my kitten doesn't seem to know her mother is screwed up.

[zana16.livejournal.com]

Oh sweetie. I love you so much. And I love Santa Cruz. And I love your kitten. But mostly I love you, cause you are one of the sweetest people I know when you let yourself be.

[(Anonymous)]

I love Santa Cruz and my kitten and you, don't be angry with me if I love my boyfriend just a bit more than you though ;). I wish I could fix everyone's problems and make them feel better. As it is, the kitten seems to be the only one who's problems are that simple, and that makes me feel useful, yay for the kitten. She likes going for walks, we got her one of those goofy kitten harnesses and a leash, and she seems to have adopted a tree. It's branchy and a little low to the ground so we can climb up in it with her. When we first put her up in it, she didn't seem to remember what to do since she hadn't been outside for almost six months, but she caught on really fast, and now she meows at me and walks me over to her leash to get me to walk her more. It's so cute. Aaron told his father tonight that we aren't living together, I know he had to, but I hate that he has to lie to his parents about us...his mother about having plans past next week and his father about almost everything. It feels awful, it feels awful having to go along with it, and worse trying to keep him from seeing that it hurts me, and worse than that when he does see because seeing my pain hurts him, and all I want is to protect him. This vulnerability thing sucks, why'd I have to fall in love? I swear before him hormones hardly did anything to me.

another maid of honor thing I forgot

[(Anonymous)]

You'll get to help me into my dress...do all those little hook and eye things behind my back. The Harry Potter fanfic you linked to was great. Although Aaron thought it was scary because two guys were falling for each other...funny he doesn't have that problem with two girls...silly boyfriend.

Re: another maid of honor thing I forgot

[zana16.livejournal.com]

Cool! Wow, wedding dresses.... so, tell aaron sorry, that I said it was "slash" but most people don't know that that's guy/guy most of the time, cause hardly anyone writes girl/girl.