All´s quiet on the Madrid front

[zana16]

So. Janaki news.

LJ is messing with my brain. I know about the lives of all these strangers and acquaintances, and they don´t know about mine. It almost feels like stalking, only I´m just interested, and they are posting publicly and I did list them as friends so they know I´m reading their journals, right? It isn't voyeurism because I'm not watching their sexlives. But I do know intimate details of hammerhead's life, and she doesn't even know I exist. Erin and Athene just broke up, and they aren´t my friends in real life though I do know both of them from school and Katie's games, respectively. There are times I think I know Erin better than she knows herself. It isn't any of my business, I know, but I always thought Athene wasn't good for her. But since, like I said, not my friends, I don't even know them very well, how could I say anything? Erin has always been one of those people I really wanted to be friends with and was too scared of rejection to actually approach. It mattered too much. The day I met her I knew we had huge amounts in common and could be good friends but I wanted it too badly; if she hadn't responded to my overtures, I would have been crushed. So I didn't make the overtures. In fact, I was actively hostile to her, instead. She isn't the only person I've cared so strongly about that I ended up alienating myself. Gina, I wanted it so badly that whenever I saw her heading towards me on campus I would walk the other way. I stopped writing for the Sophian just to avoid her. The girls sitting at the table in the corner at Talbot, talking every day about the things that interested me and fascinated me the most; I couldn´t sit with them. They'd have let me sit there, but I would have been an outsider, and I couldn't have stood it. It would hurt too much.
Such is the life of the terminally shy.
So my friends end up being the ones I'm not immediately attracted towards, the ones where I don't put everything on the line for there friendship, where it just develops naturally as equals and there is no hero-worship on my part involved. And these are my best friendships, the ones I wouldn't exchange for anything, whereas the Erins and Ginas are all in my mind. Who knows whether we'd get along? Few of my friends have very much the exact same interests as me. In fact, for example, I can't be friends with some people precisely because they are too like me. Marley sees life much in the same way I do, and besides at the start she was like another Gina, I really wanted to know her but wasn't willing to risk it. Jean reminds me too much of myself, so I have to stay far away from her. It's not that I don't like her, it's that I just can't be in the same room with her.
I think maybe, though, I would risk it with Liz next year because I want it so badly and at the same time it didn't start out that way, it started out as just two people interacting and gradually becoming aware that we liked hanging out. For Liz, I would even maybe break my steadfast rule of No More Girlfriends. Maybe. She's the first girl I've been attracted to for her personality since Sarah. Of course, it's because of Sarah that I have the No Girlfriends rule. My fucked-up sense of my own sexuality should not be allowed to hurt people I care about.
Then there is the whole fact that I know I couldn't settle down in a lesbian relationship. This is because I am more straight than bi. I couldn't have a permanent sexlife without a boy involved. But then I also really like breasts. Other peoples', not my own, which are just in the way. Logic tells me I should thus settle down in a threesome with a boy and a girl, but I know I am not secure enough for that.

Saw The Pledge in Spanish on the train up from Madrid, very disturbing. The "love the one you're with" message behind the romance was not fitting. Love and even sex is not owed just because someone has been incredibly kind and rescued you. Gratitude, yes, reciprocity, yes, but love is independent of such things. Gratitude does not equal love; it has taken me years to learn this. True love is not owed or won in return for anything; it just happens.
Says the girl who has never been in true love.

Slept in until ten today; so nice. Never actually made it to the Prado yesterday, so I am going in a few minutes. I got sidetracked by the Corte Ingles. Found what I was looking for: bras and liquor 43 and membrillo and turron de chocolate. Life is good.

Am prevented from getting drunk by fact that stairs up to hostel are covered with broken tiles and I would surely slip and fall to my death. A good idea, as getting drunk alone is not my idea of a good time. Actually, neither is getting drunk with anyone else. Tipsy, maybe, but drunk just sucks.

My comix are not showing up on my friends' list. I can't figure out why not.
A girl (at least I think so) from Finland has added me to her friends´ list. I don't know why but am flattered. Have no idea how she found my journal. Am not complaining, though.

I had more musings but have forgotten them.

Bannerweb still is not working. Damn the man.





I support our troops and I wish for peace.