(no subject)

I spent much of today researching layoffs and unemployment for Working America. Dear Lord, it was depressing. I had to stop myself regularly and remind myself that I have not one but two jobs that value me, that I have health insurance even if my deductables are obscene, and that Working America is actually trying to help solve this problem, so I am not entirely helpless in the face of so much misery. I remember the semester my stepmother taught a class on poverty, a class on the state of healthcare in America, and a class on homelessness... I'm beginning to understand why she was so difficult to live with that semester. One of my coworkers was interviewing a woman who'd been laid off last year and I could only hear one side of the conversation; she kept sucking in her breath and repeating, "Oh my gosh..." as the litany of woe continued.

I finally got rid of my tension headache an hour ago. I'm trying to remind myself that we're doing good work here. I'm also trying not to think about the fact that I am absolutely terrified of going to the doctor tomorrow. It took eight months of pain, but finally I made an appointment. I hate doctors with a passion, and I'm equally terrified that I might need surgery or that they might not be able to tell me why I'm in pain. ...I have to stop writing about this as I'm going to start hyperventilating if I think about it anymore.

In 24 hours, the doctor's appointment will be over. I will reward myself by buying Pros zines.

(no subject)

These past few weeks I've been thinking again about getting ordained... I still think I'd be happier as a Buddhist nun, but I'm come to the conclusion (again) that it won't be happening for quite some time.

I know I'm nowhere near ready for it. I'm pretty sure my motivation for it is not the correct one. And while I can see giving up sex, I would have a hard time shaving my head (yeah, okay, so I'm a little weird in that respect). But still...

The thing that's holding me back is the thought that I'm not ready to give up the possibility of having kids. I don't think I'll ever actually have kids -- I was raised (quite well, btw) by a single parent and would not want that for my kids, and I'm pretty sure I won't be finding a life partner. Among other things, a prospective date doesn't like to hear "So I'm thinking about becoming a nun." But the dream of having kids, raising a family; I don't want to give up on that yet.

Also, I'm very bad at Tantric meditation, and if I'm going to be giving up orgasms, I think I need to become better at Tantra first.

And yet. And yet, it's terribly appealing. So appealing that I'm pretty sure I'll end up there someday. Living with a mind of bliss and loving the entire world -- it's almost a fantasy life.

So. Maybe someday.