(no subject)

[zana16]

Yes, dear. I really am this deranged.

In other news, nobody has been actively hostile to me, so the anonymous comment-poster has probably decided that it's not worth the effort to hate me since I don't tend to be in this reality very often.

I don't know why, but European cities have a distinct scent. Maybe it's pollution, but I'd probably recognize that from S.A., and besides it's not a bad scent, it's just there. Odd.

I wonder if I could become a French citizen without marrying a Frenchman? Have a feeling could not.

Comments

hi again, more about the outworkings of my psychosis

[(Anonymous)]

So in case you read my last "response" and started wondering about the REAL reason why I'm joining the Marines, it's because I want to marry Aaron. Not that it's just that I would like to, but it's that since I fell in love with him in September it's become progressively harder for me to think cohesively about anything else. Horrible reason to join the military, I know. But they'll yell at me enough to get me to pay attention to something else for a little while. The people who get impatient and think a watched pot doesn't boil know about waiting fifteen minutes, not five years, god I'm SO crying right now. He just left for role playing with his friends, I made him go, he said when I cry I make him want to agree to anything to make me feel better, those are two totally unrelated concepts. He wants to marry me, but later, that he isn't ready now. I understood it when it was out of deference to his parents that he was waiting to tell them that he actually loves me, that I'm not just some girl that he's dating. He tells me he loves me and he's so wonderful, I just don't understand. There is almost no alcohol left in the apartment, nothing to dull my pain. God, if I wouldn't have come up with such a spectacular idea of how to get my life back on course after quitting school, I wouldn't have figured out the real reason why I was having such a hard time with it. I'm such a supergenius. What's the deal with loving someone and wanting to marry them but wanting to wait years...not as in two to get a reservation at the wedding hall he has his heart set on, but as in five because he isn't ready. How can that not tear him up and make him insane and useless and god I don't get it at all. Please have good answers. Please. He wants me to call his mother and talk about it. She's great, the kind of mother I would much rather have had, but she doesn't like me, not in the way that she wants me to stay around...she thinks I'm temporary, how can I talk to her when he doesn't want to let her know for at least another year that he plans on marrying me. He said a couple hours ago that if it weren't for getting his parents to like me, he'd marry me right now...not that I need RIGHT now, just sooner than five years and four year until engagement...and then before he left he told me he isn't ready. I don't understand at all. If he could tell me that he isn't entirely sure he loves me, it would make more sense, but he can't do that. He hasn't been able to since before I admitted to him that I loved him. He can't tell me that he isn't entirely sure that when we're ninety and wrinkled snd invalid we'll still be lying next to eachother holding hands. I don't understand. I tried really hard to not fall in love. I'm such a failure. I didn't think it was possible, and I didn't want it to be...I figured in twenty or thirty years I'd just settle into a rut with someone, that would be as close as I got to finding a soul mate. God it hurts so much. Why can't I at least get a little angry or something. I've never been able to fell anything but love and adoration towards him...believe me I've tried to hate him, it just hasn't worked out at all. Make me feel better.

Re: hi again, more about the outworkings of my psychosis

[zana16.livejournal.com]

Hi baby. Hold on, hang in there for me. I'll call as soon as it isn't the middle of the night there, cause you sound like you need the sleep. Even heartbreak isn't as hard to face in the morning. Oh, baby, I'm so sorry you're hurting. Don't do anything rash. If you need me to fly you over here, I have some money. I'd come except I can't. But you are always a priotity, so know that no matter what, you can always come and cry on my shoulder and let me hold you. I love you and I think Aaron does, too. Being in love is the hardest thing you'll ever do, and although the road won't always be so tough, it's never going to be fairytale easy. There will always be tears. Take care of yourself, try not to drink, buy dark chocolate and distract yourself with videos or something when it's hurting really bad. Take it a day at a time. And remember that I am always there for you.