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Jan. 24th, 2004 02:08 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zana16I hit the 50-page mark with Redemption today. Actually just in the course of the afternoon my main characters managed to ruin my plans for them; it was all planned out, see, how other characters were going to react to something, and then Lij and Dacey went ahead and didn't do it the way they were supposed to.
But the greatest feeling in the world is when characters that come out of your own head do and say things that reveal to you aspects of them that you never realized they had, and you suddenly realize why they've been acting the way they have; it's this extra little tweak that makes the whole picture fall into place, makes you realize that your characters are more complex than you realized, and that you are the [expletive] for being able to write them. Even if you're not completely sure you're very good at it, it's like proof that you are An Author.
So, when I complain that my characters won't do what they're supposed to do, I'm actually pretty happy even when I'm annoyed. Even when it means I have to change large parts of the planned-out storyline. Cause having characters like that are what's so addictive about writing. I've spent about a year recovering from the exhaustion of writing the first two drafts of Graduation, and feeling burnt out on writing, and now I'm remembering why I love it so much. It's like that one moment when you finally get a book, understand what all that analyzing has to do with the plot and the message and it all comes so clear, it's just there and you're marvelling that you couldn't see it before, and you want to share it with everyone in sight, tell them all how brilliant this author is. And then it happens to *you*, *you* write something, maybe just a paragraph, maybe just a sentence, maybe just a character that is absolutely fucking brilliant, and it's worth it all. For just that one sentence or paragraph or character or scene, or just that one page of inspired writing, it's all worth it; you finally remember why you chose to *live*. Writing is painful and exhilarating and exhausting, and though it will drain you dry it's worth every tear and drop of blood. It's the kind of out-of-control passionate madness that you always suspected the Greats of, and for just a paragraph or character or page, *you* are one of the Greats. And I'd lost that, for over a year writing was a chore while I recovered from giving birth to Graduation. I got a glimpse of it today. It's the reason I'm a writer. Even when 95% of what I write is crap, the 5% is what's worth it. The deepest love I may ever have; the most inconstant; the most fickle; the most painful; but the most rewarding.
Fuck, sometimes it's good to be alive.
But the greatest feeling in the world is when characters that come out of your own head do and say things that reveal to you aspects of them that you never realized they had, and you suddenly realize why they've been acting the way they have; it's this extra little tweak that makes the whole picture fall into place, makes you realize that your characters are more complex than you realized, and that you are the [expletive] for being able to write them. Even if you're not completely sure you're very good at it, it's like proof that you are An Author.
So, when I complain that my characters won't do what they're supposed to do, I'm actually pretty happy even when I'm annoyed. Even when it means I have to change large parts of the planned-out storyline. Cause having characters like that are what's so addictive about writing. I've spent about a year recovering from the exhaustion of writing the first two drafts of Graduation, and feeling burnt out on writing, and now I'm remembering why I love it so much. It's like that one moment when you finally get a book, understand what all that analyzing has to do with the plot and the message and it all comes so clear, it's just there and you're marvelling that you couldn't see it before, and you want to share it with everyone in sight, tell them all how brilliant this author is. And then it happens to *you*, *you* write something, maybe just a paragraph, maybe just a sentence, maybe just a character that is absolutely fucking brilliant, and it's worth it all. For just that one sentence or paragraph or character or scene, or just that one page of inspired writing, it's all worth it; you finally remember why you chose to *live*. Writing is painful and exhilarating and exhausting, and though it will drain you dry it's worth every tear and drop of blood. It's the kind of out-of-control passionate madness that you always suspected the Greats of, and for just a paragraph or character or page, *you* are one of the Greats. And I'd lost that, for over a year writing was a chore while I recovered from giving birth to Graduation. I got a glimpse of it today. It's the reason I'm a writer. Even when 95% of what I write is crap, the 5% is what's worth it. The deepest love I may ever have; the most inconstant; the most fickle; the most painful; but the most rewarding.
Fuck, sometimes it's good to be alive.