(no subject)

[zana16]

Just when I thought maybe I could be brave again. It took more courage than--nevermind. I'm pissed off at you, God. You keep telling me to stop fucking around and let myself love again. That just because everyone I love has left doesn't mean the next one will too. What kind of fucking idiot was I to listen to your lies? Two and a half years, and all I'm left with is tears. I did everything right this time. Just two days ago we were crying in each others' arms, promising we could make it. I dug down deep, let myself need, let myself feel, let myself finally feel something after years and fucking years of keeping myself numb. How am I supposed to heal when life keeps ripping my heart out and dancing a little jig over it? I think we've proven already that I can take care of myself. I've done nothing but take care of myself for ages. And I was brave. I don't let people in like that. Sarah and I had to break up because I couldn't get past it and let her all the way in, but I didn't do that with --. I did everything I could, even when it scared the shit out of me, and it wasn't enough. How does that not mean that I'm not enough?
April just brought me markers and told me to draw a voodoo doll. I wish I could be angry at her. Maybe that'll come. I hope so. Sometimes protecting my heart is more important than facing the truth.

Comments

[irinaauthor.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry that you're in pain. If there were anything I could do to take it away, I would.

*hugs*

[irinaauthor.livejournal.com]

PS - Also - and I know it is hard for you to believe right now, but trust me, I have learned this lesson the hard way - if someone has betrayed your trust, the fault is with him, not with you. You are not to blame for another's betrayal, and if you let this situation lead you to stop trusting others, then you are the one who loses, and your betrayer wins, because he has changed the way you live your life.

*hugs* I'm irina_author on Y!M; buzz me if you ever want to talk.

[zana16.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the hugs. I wish I felt more betrayed so I could get angry about it, but mostly it's just "why doesn't she want me anymore?" A neighbor came by and distracted me from crying, so I am calmer.

[hedy.livejournal.com]

Take care.

[paper-crystals.livejournal.com]

*hugs*Letting people in doesn't nessarily help. Okay, being the pessimist here. Break-ups suck furry rhino balls.

[lycaste.livejournal.com]

*hug*
Love is a bitch. Anyone who tells you otherwise is trying to sell you something.

Feel free to call or IM or email any time you need anything.