(no subject)

[zana16]

Ian is talking about rehab again. I hardly dare to hope. I've been in limbo for so long, we all have, and each time he comes out of the addiction for just long enough to talk to us, we hope. And then he goes downhill again. I'm not sure I'll be able to forgive him if I have to go to his funeral. And that's hard. Because I can forgive people. I forgave the asshole who killed my sister. I forgave my rapist. I have no love for them, but no hate, either. Forgiveness isn't warm and fuzzy; it's deciding that done is done and the anger and hate is going to hurt me more than it will hurt them. I love Ian so much that I'm afraid I might hate him. I keep thinking, "How can he do this to us?" but it's more "How can he do this to himself?"
There are some days I need to cry, but I don't have any more tears for him. Just pain. Just pain.

Comments

[pashabird.livejournal.com]

Is this our Ian who got kicked from our prom because of his attire? Whichever Ian it is, hope rehab sticks this time.

Just got back from a week in Minnesota, so I've missed lots. Met Aaron's father and stepmom and little brother and sister. Reconfirmed my thoughts that his father is about as senile as possible. And my other thoughts that even the best of kids are still kids and as such evil. Went to my first Renaissance Festival, entirely out of costume. Was fun, would have been much more fun on a larger budget. It's been said I look really hot in jeans, camisole and one-hand sword. I'm still trying to figure out how that wasn't goofy looking. I got fruit bought for me, and went days without Ramen, so major happiness there. Of course being on even as tight of a budget as we were on we spent about $100...ouch for the bank account. Aaron's person who owes us money will only talk to him, not to me, which is making it really hard to find out if/how much money she's sending us. Aaron's father made it sound as though he'd happily pay the $3,000ish to get Aaron/us out of the appartment and into his house until Spring semester starts. That would get our finance problems over with...but sleeping on different floors from Aaron wasn't working out too well. We were mauling each other while reading the kids their nightly bible section because that was the only time we knew the parents wouldn't be near us. The part of me that needs stability wants to tell Aaron to do it, but it's more his decision than mine. Everything that affects me is his decision...hate that so much. Apparently now it's really important to him to have a minister perform our marriage ceremony. When I suggested we do it the European way and have our civil ceremony before the religious ceremony so we could both be okay he wasn't happy. Find a way for me to go into a timed coma for about two years so I can stop suffering for a while? Need to wake up in time to plan the wedding unless I can talk Aaron into a J.P. thing and then I'd want three years of coma-y goodness. I've been ready for about three weeks short of a year now and I'm not getting any better at waiting. I suggested at one point that we break up until he's ready to get married to make this lots easier on us, but since his parent's wouldn't deal with that and the main reason we have to wait that long is them, it didn't fly. I suppose I should be whining in my own journal, but I'm tired and lazy and bleh.