(no subject)

[zana16]

I thought I wasn't gonna post any more today, but I just had a really surreal experience. Stephen is a minor character in my screenplay who has been trying to get a larger role lately. This is hard, as he is usually the one-dimensional stoned-out-of-his-mind background character I created him to be. But I thought, why not, I'll give him a chance. And for a while it worked. He became friends with Claire which was good because I hadn't developped Claire enough--it was too painful, since I knew I was going to have to let her die since that's what the story's about. But then today I started writing and before I know what's happening, laid-back Steve has a gun at Brent's throat and they're screaming at each other and hey, this is not the kind of story I'm writing, I'm writing realistically here. But it feels right. It feels like something that Steve would do if pressed far enough, because he doesn't know how to handle the kind of feelings that he's spent most of his life drugging into numbness. But this: out-of-control. Not cool. This is not where I need Steve to be. He's supposed to be a freakin' minor character! And then I have to decide what I want to do with Brent. I mean, the whole thing's more or less his fault. Although, I'm not sure it was him anymore and I'm the freaking author! Part of me just wants somebody to blame for the crime, but that's not what the story's about. It isn't about blame; it's about coping. Fuck fuck fuck.
I think I'll go work on my nice, quiet, 30 page thesis for awhile. Except there's no spellcheck on this computer and I'll be damned if I'm going to write in French without spellcheck.
ARRGH!