Sep. 3rd, 2009

zana16: The Beatles with text "All you need is love" (Default)
About a year ago, my good friend Leanna was diagnosed with Stage 4 inflammatory breast cancer. She was 29. Since then, she's been through chemo, and for the past four months has been told she is cancer-free.

On Friday, she went to the doctor, thinking she had a concussion. Turns out that in all those scans she's had done over the past year, they never scanned her head. She has seven tumors in her brain.

I freaked out. I had enough presence of mind not to freak out *on* her, thank the deities. But let's review: my introduction to cancer was when I was eight and my mom got diagnosed with breast cancer. Which then spread to her brain and she died.

A year ago, of course, I also freaked out (again, not on Leanna). I wondered whether I'd have to withdraw emotionally. I've progressed a long way since then. I think I'll be able to be emotionally present for her, even if she is dying.

But fuck. I want to kick things. I... I want it to be someone else, someone who is not as wonderful as Leanna. I don't want to watch the most vibrant person I've ever met, die. Which she may not; she's started radiation and her doctors are cautiously optimistic.

I called up my dad, who I've been fighting with because he's being a prick, but he's also a pretty awesome dad because he didn't miss a beat, and was able to give me advice, and tell me I'd survive being there for her even if she died, because he survived it with my mom, and it would be hugely painful but also this time around I'm an adult and maybe I can process it better. Also he told me I should buy a large pillow to kick, or a stuffed animal.

I've dissolved into tears several times at inappropriate moments, and I'm absolutely *furious* with God (who I only really believe in when he pulls crap like this), and I'd ask the Quakers on my flist to hold Leanna and me in the Light, and the rest of you to send her good energy and prayers. We could really use it. This sucks.


zana16: The Beatles with text "All you need is love" (Default)

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